Words can not begin to describe just how excruciatingly horrible a movie House of the Dead is. Every last person involved in this movie needs to be beaten within an inch of their lives with used copies of the original Saturn game, and then forced to endure watching that steaming pile (the movie) until they die. That movie cost me two hours of my life and at least 40 IQ points. I had been hoping that the movie, though it received lousy reviews, was at least entertaining in a watching-a-train-wreck kind of fashion – like an Ed Wood movie. This movie was like being in the train wreck. Every actor seemed like an extra. I think I witnessed the final nail in the coffin of Jurgen Prochnow’s career.

The movie is, no word of exaggeration, the worst movie I have ever seen. It is a crime against humanity. For the love of whatever deity you worship, please do not ever waste your life (never mind your money) on it. Just stay away. Far, far away.

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